I offer up this post with a nod to the late, great Stevie Ray Vaughan.
“Tightrope” is a fantastic song. The lyric quoted in this post title is one of my favorites. And it says a lot about my journey with autoimmune disease. In January 2009, I completed my first half marathon. Disclaimer: I have never been a runner, but I walked the Walt Disney World Half Marathon in just over 3 hours, which for me, was a tough physical challenge. The energy, camaraderie, and general adrenaline rush of “race day” hooked me instantly. So I completed another half in November of that same year. This time, I alternated jogging and walking, and finished in 2:55. I was astounded at what my body could accomplish, and addicted to the goal setting, the training, and the race day experience.
Three weeks later, I couldn’t get out of bed. My RA diagnosis quickly followed in January 2010, after which came a host of pharmaceuticals and their side effects. Five years later, I have added 50 pounds to my athletic 2009 frame, though my diet is healthier than ever. Percocet, Medrol, and Bio-Freeze are my daily companions, despite maximum dosage levels of Rituxan. I’ve added Sjogren’s, fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s, gluten intolerance, vitamin D deficiency, and chronic anemia to my list of diagnoses.
When I look at photos of myself from those days, my thoughts take a predictable course:
- I start wishing I could turn back the clock. Wishing that none of this had ever happened. Which immediately leads me to…
- Stop looking at old photos. Given everything that’s changed, the past feels painful, so I choose instead to look forward.
Of course, the reality is that chronic illness did happen to me. It IS happening to me. In a recent post, I wrote about needing to accept my life as it is. And I cannot plan my best future if I don’t take cues from my past. So, I’m looking back to find inspiration for my life moving forward. I may never look the way I did then, and I may never finish a half marathon in under 3 hours, but I love races, and I can work toward another one.
I can, and I’ve decided that I will. 🙂 My beautiful wife, some awesome friends, and I have signed up for the Las Vegas Rock and Roll Half Marathon, taking place in November 2015. Yes, training will be less consistent and more painful. No, my time won’t be as good. But I’ve got 179 days to get ready, and 4 hours to complete the course. I’m thrilled and frightened in equal measure, but looking forward to the journey!