I Can’t. I’m…Busy.

The second half of this week, my body decided to completely rebel against the travel, wedding planning, and general, joyful craziness that has consumed the summer.  I crashed.  Hard.  For the last two days, I’ve barely been able to crawl out of bed.  The energy required for me to type these words is monumental.  But in the moments when I can, it got me thinking.

As usual, the thoughts start with my list.  All the things I need to get done.  How I can’t afford to be sick.  Usually, that leads “Type A” me to a spiral of frustration and emotional distress. I end up canceling plans, apologizing to my family, and feeling generally guilty because I “couldn’t do anything”.

I took a different approach yesterday.  Instead, I looked up the definition of busy.  Here’s what Merriam Webster had to say:

busy   adj \ˈbi-zē\

busi·er busi·est

Definition of BUSY

1a: engaged in action : occupied b: being in use <found the telephone busy>

2: full of activity : bustling <a busy seaport>

3: foolishly or intrusively active : meddling

4: full of distracting detail <a busy design>

Hmm.  Engaged in action.  Yep, my body sure is, housing my out-of-control immune system.  Full of activity? Pre-diagnosis, I did two half-marathons, and had far more energy after each one than I have now.  Intrusively active is my favorite, because duh. Nothing about auto-immune diseases is non-intrusive.  And let’s see.  Full of distracting detail, as in a busy design.  Like the worst floral, plaid, stripe combination in HISTORY, done on VELOUR.

These four definitions reminded me that I am also busy, even when I cannot move an inch.  And I realized that it’s my job to remember all my body is dealing with, even when I feel to myself like I’m doing nothing.  So the next time I don’t get to something, my reason should reflect that instead of unnecessary guilt or shame.  I indeed got busy – just in my own way.

Now if you’ll excuse me…my tea, heating pads, and I are very busy this afternoon.

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Perfectly Said

During our summer travels, I’ve been blessed to visit with lots of family and friends.  This means that I’ve answered the “how are you feeling?” question many times.  Lately, my answer’s gotten complicated, so Lora and I have been discussing how I should best respond.

One of my favorite bloggers, Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy, nails it with this post.  I have never been happier or more content, despite the fact that my RA is uncontrolled, my physical health is poor, and as of now, I am unable to work.  Because of my attitude, I feel in control, which is absolutely huge in a life of daily unknowns.  He perfectly articulates “how I’m feeling”, even when “how I’m feeling” also includes bedridden.

The seriousness of chronic illness cannot be underestimated.  Neither can the power we have inside ourselves to deal positively with it.

Thank you RA Guy for helping me finding the right words!